Yesterday Brinlee, my 22 month old, found a bobby pin, picked it up and tried to put it in her ear. You see she knows that she is not supposed to do this so as she does she gives me her sneaky, sly, mommy I’m really cute so don’t take this away, smile. I take it away from her and stuff it down the side of the couch hiding it away so she doesn’t see it. As soon as I did this today’s blog came to mind and got me thinking. My couch cushions are home to many little treasures; bobby pins, safety pins, pens, q-tips, rubber bands, coins, cheerios, a plastic bag, a dirty diaper (yes I’m serious and I have no idea how long it has been there) and many crumbs from various little treats that Brinlee has consumed. Most of these items I have stuffed down in fear that Brinlee will poke her ear drums out, swallow, stab her sister with, stab me with, stick up her nose…you get the idea. Well what does that have to do with today’s blog? I got to thinking about the things, my weaknesses that I stuff away in my life’s “couch cushions” in fear of what other people will do with them.
Will they take my weakness and judge me, talk about me, laugh at me, be passive aggressive, empathize with me or relate to me? Well here it goes I am pulling out my cushions for all to see because let’s face it we all feel better when they are clean. The thing that has lived in hiding for a long time is that I have everything under control and the truth is there are days I am screaming on the inside, crying on the outside, and all I want to do is go rock in fetal position in the corner for a while. Take yesterday for example. I had hit a wall and lost it. God gave me Brian for many reasons one being that he is my rock and he knows exactly what to do on these days. My vent to him went a little like this: (inserting caution…this is not pretty) this is not a blame it is more of a vent and once I get it out I think I will feel better. I know that being a stay at home mom was the job we chose that was best for us and the girls. I will never regret that. I also know I am not perfect even though I try so hard to be. So with that being said there are times I want to scream and run away. I would only tell you this because I know you love me. The job has gotten to me today….Every day I cook 3 meals, load and unload this dishwasher, do at least 2 loads of laundry (wash, dry, fold, put away), clean up the house, breast feed 8,000 times, calm screaming kids, get hit, kicked, yelled at by a toddler who I feel as though I’m failing daily, try to teach her right from wrong, all while feeling terrible about myself because I usually never put make up on or do my hair, am always in the pjs I slept in, have mascara under my eyes because I actually did put make up on but didn’t have the energy to wash my face or shower last night, I smell like baby spit up because it is covering my arms and all down my shoulder and back, usually have ugly roots, ugly toes, torture myself for not handling a situation with Brinlee better and feel bad that I can never spend alone time with Brinlee during the day because Haven needs me so much. I am jealous of you who gets to leave everyday to spend time in a quiet office with adults, who gets to be the “fun” dad almost all the time, gets the biggest greeting when you come home, gets to do social gatherings and never have to worry about how much milk you have in the fridge and what are the most important times it needs to be used for. A very ugly side of me seethes whenever someone asks you about mowing and you say it’s actually like escaping into your own thoughts for 5 hours….I can’t even get my own thoughts for 5 minutes without interruption let alone 5 hours. I cry usually during nap time when I can finally take a breath like I am now and there are days like today when I am afraid to stop and actually think because I know I will just lose it. My heart is racing as I re-read this knowing I am putting my most vulnerable self out there but it is a step I need to take knowing I don’t have it all under control all the time and that is ok. I also realize that this sounds like a spoiled brat whining and that there are much bigger problems in the world beyond my duties as a house wife. I am not insensative to those things. This is just where I was yesterday.
So again I am reminded that I was not created to be perfect and it is ok for other people to know that. I am and always will be a wonderful work in progress and I am thankful for that and I am very humble. God loves us exactly where we are even on days like I had yesterday. For a long time I thought that I needed to “clean my act up” or “get it together” before God would love me, but I quickly learned that is the farthest thing from the truth. So each day I try to learn from the day before and today I know that it is ok for people to know my weaknesses. My hope and prayer is that God will use me to help someone else who reads this and help them grow closer to Him. So my question for you is what are you hiding under your “couch cushions” of life in fear of what others will do them? Would you be so bold to open them up?
Ok now I need to vacuum out my real couches…they were pretty nasty,