The Crayon Project

I went to Target.  By myself. It felt like a vacation. I know there are many moms out there smiling as they read this because you know how awesome a trip to Target is by yourself. What I also need to mention is I went while I was fasting from consumerism…don’t ask why, I think I secretly like to torture myself. Anyhow, I was lingering, I mean shopping and came across the cutest Easter bunny baking molds in the Easter aisle and I knew exactly what I would use them for.  Please picture me standing there debating whether or not I should buy them and putting them in and taking them out of my cart 10 times. I wish I was exaggerating like I tend to do, but I’m not.  I must have looked so silly.  I justified these 9.99 molds in my head because I had the perfect use for them and it would involve spending some quality craft time with my toddler, an area I am working on growing in.  So done deal, they were in the cart and staying in there and Brin and I were going to do the crayon project.

I’m a perfectionist, type A, over achiever who desperately craves to live a simple old-fashioned life.  And by old fashioned I don’t mean finding something on pinterest that looks old fashioned then spending all of your time and resources figuring out how you are going to make it, only to feel defeated because it looks nothing like the picture, then guilty because you aren’t like those “other moms” who probably can whip it up in no time while cooking a 3 course meal and humming a tune like Julie Andrews.  As you can see I know this conversation WAY to well because I have had it with myself and my husband one too many times.  I know my beginning sentence is an oxymoron but hey I know this about me and I accept this about me. Wow it is amazing to me the feeling I get when I type that.  I accept this about me. I have struggled for 20 years with the idea of being accepted.  In my past I have searched for it in all the wrong places and I have covered up the pain with my perfectionism in hopes that no one would see the real me, the broken me, because I was certain no one would accept “her”. The real truth is I never gave myself the acceptance I deserved and thankfully by the grace of God, He ended my search this past Sunday when He revealed this truth to me.  God used our pastor Aaron and my girlfriend Jill who prayed for me to speak to me last Sunday knowing how truly powerful it was going to be and I am humble that He is so relentless when it comes to having a relationship with me.  I so badly want to be this relentless in love in all my relationships, truth is I’m not there yet, but I’m seeking to be and first I’m starting with myself.

So the crayon project (pinterest project) was not only successful it was the inspiration for this blog.  God speaks to me so clearly sometimes in the simplest ways, so here is what He said to me in the crayon project.  Peeling away the wrapper from the broken pieces is the first step.  Uncover what you have been hiding and uncover your brokenness and allow people to see you for who you are created to be. Take the broken pieces and place them in the mold in the oven.  Take your brokenness and place it at my feet, I will be your source of strength, warmth and comfort.  Remove from oven and let cool.  Give your thoughts some space and breath and most importantly give yourself grace. Pop out of mold a brand new, full of color, newly shaped crayon!  God said to me, “I have taken your brokenness and made it beautiful and new in Me; you are newly shaped, full of color and serve a very big purpose.”

I still cry when I type this.  I honestly don’t have many words left, but Thank you Lord. Thank you for this clarity, thank you for answering my prayers about clarity, thank you for guiding my life and being so relentless. Thank you for loving me so much, I do not deserve it.  Thank you for your discipline and for your patience.  Thank you for this community you brought me to.  Thank you for the crayon project.

I love you,