When your tantrum is worse than your toddlers…..
What do your thoughts look like? Are they happy, sad, imaginative, colorful, pensive, complex, dark and twisty (forgive me a huge Grey’s Anatomy fan)? I’d venture to guess we all at some point or another have all of these kinds of thoughts. Anyways, do you ever fear being alone with your own thoughts? I’ll be honest. I do, more times than I’d like to admit.Here’s the deal; I am rarely alone. I surround myself with people all day long and I am going non-stop all day long so usually I can focus on the good and imaginative ones, but what happens on the rare occasion that I can only hear the dark ones and I know I am going to be alone? I freak out and panic mode sets in. Tonight is the perfect example.
For any of you who have read my blogs before you know that I struggled for eleven years with an eating disorder and went for treatment 7 years ago. 7 years ago…weird to say that out loud or type for that matter. Seems like another lifetime to me. With treatment comes the understanding that you are not instantly fixed and that parts of the disorder live with you, but it is a daily choice on what you choose to do with it. Some days I wake up ready to take on the world, most days I wake up knowing it’s going to be one heck of a fight, and few days where the fight seems like too much, I’d rather just stay in bed. Yep. This is me. Transparent.
Well today was one of those days where I knew it would be one heck of a fight. I thought I was ready, but truth is today got the best of me. I have an incredibly distorted body image, I know this and one of my honest prayers every morning when I wake up is “God give me the eyes to see me the way you see me.” Some days I pray this 1000 times or more and some days like today, I tune God out for a while and allow satan to take my mind for a spin. I really should know better. When I do this it not only affects me, but everyone around me. Tonight the poor target just happened to be Brian.
Long story short, Brian and I have spent the last two nights together, so essentially two date nights in a row, one at home and one in the city. Tonight seemed like a good night to go and support his boss’s son who is an incredible musician and also catch a bit of the hockey game. Have a bit of a guys night. After all the man deserves one! In my right mind this would have been fine from the get go, but considering I was not in my right mind I start crying hysterically like I was never going to see the man again. Poor Brian. I told you instant panic mode. Of course he has no idea why I would be freaking out like our dramatic 3 year old when I tell her for the 6th time she can’t have any more treats and honestly in that moment I have no idea and can’t explain why my tantrum is worse than our toddlers. Ugh. I annoy myself typing this. Somewhere in the back of my mind I know I will sort this out so I reassure him that I will be fine and to go and have a good time. Then I go there. To my own thoughts. It wasn’t all roses to start. Sorting through the rubbish can sometimes take a bit, but eventually you will come to the truth. Why was that whole scenario necessary? For this. For realization that it is ok to be alone with your thoughts, even the dark ones. Give them to God. Pray for clarity. Pray for wisdom and discernment. Pray for peace. Thankfully, my prayers were answered almost instantly. Thank you God for never leaving and reminding me that even if I am physically alone,you are always with me. So my challenge is to spend some time alone, with your thoughts and with God. What He reveals could change the course of your path for the day which could change the course of your path for your entire life.