This morning I opened my eyes and felt it. Not today I told myself. Please not today. Today is a big day. Today we launch season six of our performing arts center, and the last thing I need is this feeling.
The familiar feeling of a heavy weight with the rapping of my heart so fast in my chest, but it’s not an adrenaline rush. It’s anxiety. My anxiety level is at a 10. I struggle between wanting to stay in bed, trying to ignore it, and the reality of having to get up and get my kids ready. I know I have to get up and keep the anxiety behind bars as long as I can. This feeling, however, is like a greyhound behind the gate waiting to run away as fast as it can… taking my mind with it.
My kids, especially my oldest Brinlee, can feel my feelings inside unless I keep them under control, so I choose to keep them in check while getting them out the door and fairly on time for school. It is amazing what we can do when we choose to use the strength of our minds.
The garage door shuts, and I go on with my usual routine of getting ready and getting outside to do my devotion because daily rhythms are habitual and these habits create health in my mind, body, and soul. Usually. I know spending time in God’s word always helps, and I so desperately want this feeling to go away. After reading a bit in T.D. Jake’s book SOAR! I reflect on Isaiah 40:31 which says, “They will soar on wings like eagles.”
If you have never felt what it is like to soar, I highly recommend taking flight and finding out. There is no feeling more freeing than soaring. Grasping so hard to recall and reflect on the times God has allowed us to soar, I pray for the opportunity to do so today. After finishing prayer I sink a bit. Still here. The heart rapping, chest tightening is still here. So I go to the next source that helps, and I ask Brian to bring his guitar out to the porch to play and sing worship in hopes to take flight again today. As soon as he starts singing, a little butterfly comes and sits on the porch railings, and I look down and smile at it. As I look closer, I notice it has a hole in its wings.
God whispers, “You can still fly with a hole in your wings, Emily.” The ah-ha moment. Yes. Yes, we all can, and I was able to take flight for today. Free. This small whisper was a reminder. While the reminder may have not been as big as an eagle, it was small in size but large in life. For me, the hole in my wings is anxiety, but in sharing my reality with Brian and carving out space to be in the presence of Jesus this morning, He reminded me that we can all fly even with a hole in our wings. A hole in your wings does not mean you have to be grounded in fear, doubt, or shame but instead you can fly because of faith, hope, and love.